Redemption.

Shit.

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 03:36:07 GMT

Fuck today.

Good news....

I come home tomorrow.

Bad news....

I can't withdraw money from my bank account until April because I have exceeded the number of online banking and atm transactions for this month. I have no cash on me whatsoever. Problems this causes:
1. I am supposed to be taking anti-depressants, but I can't use my money = I can't get my prescription filled.
2. I can't get my nails done until I have money, and (I realize that seems trivial but...) I can only get them done the way they are at this one specific place. They're growing out too much, and I don't want them to fall off.
3. I wanted to fucking eat something after work, but I guess that's no longer an option.

I need subs for five of the classes I teach next week because I won't be in town during spring break. I have coverage for one class so far. People are such dickheads. I sub for anyone and everyone if I am available because we can't request time off. The children come each week at the same time. We have to find subs for our classes or we're fucked. I help everyone out, and no one is willing to help me. I'm not staying here next week to work for five fucking hours out of the entire week. I work two hours on Tuesday and three on Thursday. That's so not happening.

I was counting on picking up my paycheck tonight. Then I wouldn't be so stressed over the fact that I have absolutely no access to any cash. Well... just for my inconvenience - paychecks aren't ready yet. I can't leave super early tomorrow like I was planning to because I have to wait until I can pick up my paycheck.

I also have to get the inside of my car cleaned before I come home. My mother will yell at me if she thinks the inside is dirty, which it is. I just never cleaned it because it keeps getting hot then raining out of nowhere. This will delay my trip another hour. I guess I can forget about getting my nails done. They can just fucking fall off. That's great because then I can look just as shitty as I feel.

My dad is moving to Texas on Friday. I was informed about this two days ago. WTF. I'm more than angry right now.

My mother still isn't speaking to me. I have to call to ask if I can actually come home for spring break. She may tell me not to come home. I don't know if that would even bother me though.

I stayed up until 7:40 am to finish my paper for my 8:00 am class. Zero sleep. We had to go through peer review. Most people in college are too shitty of writers to effectively critique someone else's essay.

I had an exam in Art History and in Criminology. I'm ok with the Criminology test, but I'm almost positive that I failed the Art History exam miserably. That class is way too fucking hard, especially when I can't motivate myself to want to do my best in school right now.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention that I have to stay in the dorm alone tonight. All five of my roommates left today. I'm stuck behind now. I don't even know where to start right now.

Anger.

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 01:24:50 GMT

I've been having relationship problems, but it's ok now. Things are pretty much settled. I hope they stay that way. I've just been so angry lately. Everywhere I go I feel frustrated and tense. I don't even know why. I had a bunch of bags as I was walking back to my room. These guys stopped in their car to ask if I needed help. The sun was blinding me, and the bags were cutting my arms. I'm not sure if the two guys were genuinely concerned or trying to hit on me. I didn't even care. I just yelled no at them. It was really rude, but I felt like I had a license to kill out there. I got through the front door as Stephanie laughed at me for having so many bags. It's what I would expect her to do. I really just wasn't having it. I didn't want to scream at her. I just ignored everything until I got into my room. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to explode. I can't wait until Matt gets here on Thursday.

So yea.....

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 18:41:12 GMT

I took my roommates to a hookah bar last night. It was fun. The older girls wanted to go out though. Too bad I'm not 21. Kim and I stayed at the dorm and smoked. I never thought this would happen to me, but I smoked so much weed that I threw up. I was WAY too fucking high. I couldn't even sit up straight. I don't think I'll ever smoke that much again. I want to buy something other than a pipe to smoke out of. It's like scarring my throat. I'll probably look into that today. I'm excited.

Close to death.

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 06:03:41 GMT

Curiosity led me to try it. I had gone to the smoke shop to buy a new pipe the night before. I noticed the salvia inside the showcase, but I told myself not to buy it yet. I was hesitant because I'd heard so many stories of bad trips. I'd also heard less scary stories but still bazaar experiences nonetheless. My friend warned me about it, but the curiosity was eating away at me ever since I bought the pipe. I returned the following afternoon to buy it. One of my roommates was here when I got back. She had never heard of salvia. I explained to her what I've been told about it, and I wanted her to watch me do it incase something bad happened. I had never taken a hallucinogen before this incident, so I had no idea what to expect. I figured I would have some sort of vision or see nonexistent things. I thought I would be able to sit back and escape reality for a few minutes. I was very wrong.

I packed the salvia neatly into my pipe and set it on the table. I told her that we could watch Wonder Showzen. I thought it would enhance the experience. It's pretty much the most twisted show ever created. Full of sarcasm, social commentary, and most of all cruel reality. I was quite excited to watch it during my trip. I popped in the dvd and proceeded to smoke my pipe by the balcony. I slid open the door to blow the smoke outside. I took my first hit, released, and stood still for a few seconds. I wanted to turn around to tell my roommate that salvia is bull because I didn't feel a thing. I stifled my comment and stared at the pine tree in front of me. I thought if the salvia started working its magic that the tree would turn into something crazy. I wanted to give it a chance, so I took a second hit. I don't know if I was doing it improperly because I didn't have anyone experienced to direct me. I inhaled it like weed and held it in for ten good seconds. As I exhaled I could've sworn some unknown force punched me in the forehead. A wave rushed over my head, and I stumbled backward. I turned around and tried to look at my roommate. She was sitting on the couch, but I could'nt see her. Everything was so unclear. I tried to walk slowly. Instead I rushed to sit down in panic. She though I was faking it. I was trying not to alarm her, or what I thought was her. I was there next to her, but I was just a shell. I looked out into an unfamiliar, blurry distortion of what I thought existed. I expected to see crazy random things. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary. I couldn't see anything at all. It was a kaleidoscope so intricate that the pieces were not visible to the naked eye. It was as if a computer took all of its pixels and scrambled them into some random configuration. I could make out certain things through relative space. I could hear the tv loud and clear. I wanted to close the lid to the salvia before I spilled it everywhere. I completed that task. I also put the pipe back in its protector. I stuffed it in there still half full of salvia. I wasn't aware. I just didn't want to leave anything for my roommate to clean up. My roommate had gotten up, but at the time I didn't know it. She was spraying the room to get rid of the smell. I had no idea that she had done that until after the trip. I saw her eyes focused on me. She was standing up next to the couch. She asked if I wanted to be taken to the doctor. She turned into a giant spinning blur. It was like an accelerated version of the Disneyland tea cups. She wouldn't stay still. I could only see her eyes. She told me that I stared at her blankly. I blurted out "no". It was all that I could gather enough thought to say. She asked me a question. I don't what she asked me, but I thought she kept repeating it. I couldn't understand what I was being asked. I know that I tried to tell her - You keep asking me the same question over and over, but I can't understand it right now..... It didn't come out right. My motor skills were shot. Panicking that she was going to try to take me outside (shudder), I slammed my hand on the couch and yelled - NO! Sit down. I could see the tv screen come in and out of focus. I saw the little boy punching the meat at the butcher's shop. That wasn't a hallucination, that was really the show. It scared me even though I had seen the episode more than once.

I stood up in a frenzy looking around. I thought my bed would fix it. I felt worse when I stood. It felt like the sudden falling sensation that causes me to gasp and my head to jolt right as I'm about to fall asleep sometimes. It was worse than that. The sensation was neverending in addition to being amplified ten fold. I told her I was going to my room in an awkward way. I wanted to say bed, but the word was nonexistent in my new vocabulary. As I entered the room my b/f called me. I heard my phone in my purse. I ran over to it. I couldn't find it. I threw my keys out. I was panting. I soon realized that I was suffocating. I didn't want to talk, but he would get mad if I ignored the call. I finally found the the phone and answered it. I don't know how I managed this, but I climbed into my loft bed with the phone in my hand. I can barely do that when I'm sober. I flopped onto my stomach. I wasn't sure if I was hallucinating that he called me or if it was real. I tried to seem as normal as possible because I knew he wouldn't approve of what I was doing. I could barely hear his voice. I told him I was lying down. I asked if I could call him back later and hung up.

The bed didn't fix me. I was uncomfortable. I'm normally a cold person. I always have chills, but I was boiling. I was suffocating and on fire. I heard the phrase - STAB YOU, STAB YOU, STAB YOU! on Wonder Showzen. My roommate was still watching it in the other room. That was last thing I need to hear. I started writhing on my bed. I decided it would be better to get up. I literally leaped out of the bed to the floor. Keep in mind that my bed is practically next to the ceiling. I pretty much jumped seven feet off of my bed with distorted perception and no sense of my surroundings. Luckily I wasn't injured. I didn't even feel it. I rushed into the room where my roommate was watching the show. I yelled at her to turn it off. I didn't mean it to sound rude. I couldn't get anything out but the simplest of commands. It was like I had become temporarily retarded. I didn't want to hear the show because it was scaring me. Then I got an idea.

I would feel better if I immersed myself in water. I fumbled around to the bathroom. After I finally got the hang of the light switch I forgot why I was in there. I turned it off and ran out. I'm glad I didn't do what I intended to do. I was going to try to take a cold shower. Nevermind that I was wearing a shirt, a sweater, a belt, jeans, and red leather shoes. I went over to my roommate's room to try to apologize. The words wouldn't come out right, but I think I got the idea across. That falling thing wouldn't stop as long as I was standing. I told her that I was going to my room. I meant to say bed, but of course... everything I said sounded like gibberish anyway. I ran back to my room and turned the light off. I ripped off my pants like I was in the NBA. Then I whipped off my belt, threw off my sweater, and kicked off my shoes. I can't sleep with doors open. I tried to close my closet. It wouldn't close. I jumped up and down trying to force it. I was losing it. Then I realized that one of my shoes was lodged between the doors. I removed it and slammed the doors in fury. I began to climb up to bed. I went to pull the sheet back but ended up ripping up the sheet that covers the mattress too. I flipped out. Bunched up sheets and ruffled covers are one of my HUGE pet peeves. I yanked the sheet down into submission. It was going to be tucked around the mattress if it was the last thing I would ever accomplish. After my epic battle versus the sheet I crawled into bed and covered my head. I rolled back and forth trying to rid myself of this intensity. It lasted almost twenty minutes total. I kept thinking - Why do people do this to themselves - Will it ever end? That was the moment I realized that I had actually done something to cause this mindless, panicked state. I didn't realize I had been on salvia. I instantly felt better in ten minutes.

This trip made me appreciate life. I have never in my life been so panicked and scared. I had never felt so close to death. I thought I was stuck that way. I've read and heard about many people's experiences with salvia, but I've never heard anything like what happened to me. That's some powerful shit. I had never imagined that anything could ever feel like that. It was a feeling that I can't put into words. It was a terrible and tragic new dimension full of vague figures and failed communication. I do not recommend that to anyone. I don't know if I would ever do that again. That shit should be illegal.

Hm...

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 17:13:52 GMT

What am I do to all week when everyone has gone back to hell?

Fuck Colorado.

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 09:18:18 GMT

I don't want to be here. I never have a good Christmas. They always find a way to be fucking shitty one way or another. It's 19 degrees outside. I hate life.

On the inside.

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 09:48:34 GMT

I'm hurting.

Beyond Repair.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 17:07:16 GMT

The first thing I would like to say is FUCK 2006. I can't wait until this shitty year is over. 2004 was probably the worst year I could ever imagine, but 2006 took more away from me than I ever thought possible. My family started the year in good spirits. My grandmother's Aunt Louise died in May, but she was very old. She was from Idlewild, Michigan. She was filthy rich. My grandmother was he favorite. A little earlier in the year, in February, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer again. She had been in remission for more than ten years. She had breast cancer in 1995. We have her on tape at Christmas with a bald head (bless her heart) because of the chemo. She survived it then, but this time it was much worse. She had it in her left breast. It then spread to both lungs, her spinal cord, her neck and throat, and finally her brain. She was so angry as she was dying. I think a more positive attitude would've made a difference. My God, she suffered. She choked and gurgled in her sleep. She was in so much pain. Brain cancer is excruciating. My mother begged for God to take her everyday because she was suffering so badly. She died a brutal death. The day before my birthday my mother and my stepfather had me drop them off at the metrolink. They needed to go be with her. My grandmother would scream my mother's name until she went to see her. She was losing her mind from the brain cancer. She was full of hatred, and she made everyone else around her miserable. She ran every nurse out of her house crying. My Aunt Danni, my mother's youngest sister, took care of her until her death. She couldn't even handle her. My grandmother would call my mother saying - They're abusing me. Fii, I don't know how they could do me like this. (My mother's younger sisters.) She went into a coma the day after my birthday. She didn't eat for five days before she died. She passed on June 29th, and that is three days before my little brother's birthday. My mom and stepdad missed both of our birthdays to go be with her, but they needed to be there. The last conversation I had with my grandmother was on my birthday. Her voice was so faint because of the tumor on the back of her tongue. It broke my heart. No one deserves to go out that way.

My great aunt's boyfriend died earlier in the year. He had a heart attack. Dr. Millet was very nice from what I remember. It was my grandmother's sister's life partner. She was my mother's favorite aunt. Aunt Kathy was wonderful. When my grandmother got pregnant with my mother, she was only a junior in college. She decided not to abort her, and my Aunt Kathy moved in with my grandmother to help take care of her. She was the fun aunt. She took my mother to see the Jackson 5. She would take her to amusement parks and all the fun places my grandmother didn't have time for. When my mother graduated from high school, she took her shopping. She said - Get whatever you want, and don't look at the price tags. I want you to be the sharpest dressed girl at San Jose State. She did made my mother feel special. She was her favorite niece. It was a low blow when she died on December 5th. Her cancer had been in remission for 18 years. She had breast cancer in the 80's, and now she had bone cancer. She called my mom in March and said - Feleceia, I hate to drop this on you while my sister is dying, but my cancer is back too. She told her she was going to make it. She just didn't want to worry her. She knew she was going to die from day one. She didn't have a negative attitude about it. She was at peace with it. My mother's cousin Erica, Aunt Kathy's daughter, called my mother when Aunt Kathy was put into the hospital. She said it was bad, and Aunt Kathy would not be discharged. My mother drove the four hours to San Diego to go see her. She was angry the entire drive because Aunt Kathy lied to her. She told my mother she was going to live. My mother's anger completely dissolved when she saw her. My Aunt Kathy had wasted away to about 80 lbs, and she was 6 feet tall. My mother stayed at the hospital until Aunt Kathy's last breath. She said it was a peaceful passing.

Yesterday was strange. My grandfather died, and I still don't know how to feel about it. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2001. He was given about a year to live. He went into his treatments with a positive attitude and lived for almost six more years. He was a simple man. All he wanted was to love, be loved, and have a good time. He never graduated high school, so he wasn't very smart. He didn't understand the nature of his illness. He really fought hard. He lived in Fresno, and I got to check on him because I was so close. He was admitted to St. Agnes about a month and a half ago. His cancer had spread all throughout his body. He loved life. It was sad to see him go. He was not my mother's father. He was her two younger sisters' father, but he gave my mother his last name. He and my grandmother hadn't been together since the 70's, but her still loved her. He was inconsolable at her funeral. He never had much to give, but he really tried. I saw him in the hospital the weekend after Thanksgiving. He was still in good spirits. He was wasting away to nothing just like my Aunt Kathy. My mother did all that she could. He was mad at her because she was with Aunt Kathy when he was sick too. She sent him to Jamaica after he was diagnosed. She gave him the down payment for his apartment in assisted living, bought him furniture, visited him for a weeks in the hospital, and took the family up to see him for Thanksgiving. He was ungrateful because he didn't know any better. He always felt like someone owed him something for nothing. I hate that he made my mother feel like what she did wasn't enough. She did more for him than he ever did for her. He didn't deserve to die though.

My family has lost too much this year. I can't wait to start a new year. We still have one more person with a foot in the grave. My grandmother's brother, Uncle Hermon, has lung cancer. He really wants to live. He has lived with it for about five years, but now he's on oxygen. I last saw him at my grandmother's funeral. It's almost his time. My mother lost both her parents in the same year. I'm done.

Craaamps.

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 12:12:56 GMT

I definitely just sat up playing computer games since about 11:00. My God I'm a computer nerd. I conquered three levels on Populous. It's so effing addictive. My back hurts from sitting in the chair too long. On a more serious note, the status of my life right now is best described as tragic. My great Aunt Kathy died on Tuesday. She was my mother's favorite aunt. The last time I saw her was when she rode in the limo with me to my grandmother's funeral in June. I don't know how to respond to loss anymore. Isn't enough - enough? Is this even natural? It's damaging, but I won't allow this to change my attitude. I'm trying to focus on the positive things like my Matt, the holiday spirit, the gift of giving, Candy Cane Lane, my good grades, and the accomplished feeling I get after knitting a scarf. I also got a raise today. How exciting! I'm actually getting good feedback from my job. I got a raise from $7/hr to $8/hr. I can't complain. Some things are working out, while others are just dropping out of my life entirely. I can't wait for winter break, but I know there's more loss in order. A few more people in my family have their foot in the grave. I try to console my mother. I don't know what to do for her. I'm worried about her.

Blank.

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 05:43:34 GMT

I had a pretty good Thanksgiving. I met Matt's grandparents. I had heard so much about them beforehand that I felt like I already knew them. I'm back in Fresno now, and it's boring. My roommate's an idiot. She slept in her b/f's room last night and came back in here this morning saying that she popped her neck in her sleep. She can't turn her head to the side now, and she had her b/f drive her all the way home. She lives in Bakersfield which is about an hour and forty minutes away. She's missing all of her classes because she's staying home until Monday. So basically..... She has a fucking crick in her neck, and she thinks it's a legitimate reason to miss a whole week of class. It's not so much my business, but she's a little bitch for that shit. That's ridiculous and it makes me dislike her more than I already do. Maybe I'm being harsh because I hate missing class so much, but I don't even care. She has repeatedly confirmed my sincere belief that she's a complete douche. I should probably do some homework. I'm a little tired, so I might just put it off as usual. It doesn't matter because my grades are fine right now. Relief is a great feeling.

Holiday.

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 17:11:54 GMT

I drove home two nights ago. I'm sitting in my bed at my daddy's house. I get to go to Matt's house to meet his grandparents after dinner. We'll play Scrabble. I love board games! I'm staring at my tortoise right now. Poor thing. I have to take her out today because she never gets out of that tank. She was my first tortoise. I've had her for ten years. My daddy doesn't take very good care of her. I wish I could take her back up to school with me. That would be delightful. Maybe I should. I might get in trouble for it though. She looks so sad here. I got here last night, and my room was suprisingly clean. Usually it's disgusting and covered in piles of my daddy's clothes. The bathroom floor is normally nonexistent due to his wife's curly hair. I am pleasantly surprised, and being here feels alright. I'm thankful for my family, my Matt, my pets, my car, my computer, my purse, and my job. What are you thankful for???

Back-track.

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 01:36:44 GMT

Let's start with Friday. My love came to visit me. He came up to my job and we left from there. We went to Red Lobster. I had my favorite..... shrimp cocktail (mmmmm!) Then we got incredibly drunk while watching Sin City. After the movie we went for a walk in the worst fog I've ever been in. It was a cool experience. He started telling me things that he had never told me before. The conversation was rather chaotic, but he accepted the things I told him. He didn't know how to feel about some of the things I had to say, but it had to be discussed at some point. The next day he had a crazy hangover, and I took care of him. After starting the day at 3:00 pm, I got him food and we waited around for a while. We went to sushi and to a late showing of The Prestige. It was excellent. I recommend it to everyone. We came back here at almost 2:00 am, so we just decided to go to bed. He had to leave today, which made me sad, but I will be coming home on Wednesday! I'll be staying with my daddy. I haven't spent the night at my daddy's house in over a year. We'll see how everything pans out.

Frazzle-Dazzle.

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 07:25:27 GMT

I enrolled for my next semester classes tonight. I had six classes neatly planned out. I submitted my requests and got two classes out of six. It was ridiculous. I enrolled the very first minute of my appointment, and I still had to redo my entire schedule... grrr. I really wanted to take anthropology of religion, but it's all full. I was extremely irritated. It's over and done with though. For that I am thankful. I had sushi with my mommy today. She's going to be staying in a near by town until my grandpa gets discharged from the hospital. It's all a big fiasco because he has nowhere to go and cannot care for himself. Hopefully he will be going directly to a nursing facility. I've had enough of death and dying. I've just made the conscious decision never to die. I refuse. My sweetheart is coming to stay with me in two days. I am more than excited. I'm already preparing for his visit. My shopping list for tomorrow will consist of a chair, a shot glass, and playing cards. Love is lovely.

Could that not be called happiness???

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 02:43:44 GMT

I was walking back from lab today thinking about what I want to do in the near future. I'm applying to UCLA. I don't think I will get in, but I know I belong in the LA area. It's the only place I ever feel welcome. I was thinking about all of the things I could put in my own apartment and how much more satisfied I would be if I weren't so restricted. I'm really not allowed to be my own person. It's unfair, unnecessary, and most of all it's crippling. I don't know anyone else my age in this situation. It's a burden that I don't feel I can lift. I was being so positive all day, and for what? I'm back here in a dorm with five girls that don't understand me. I don't care about them. I will never form an attachment to people like them. Maybe I'm being cold, but I want out.

Passing.

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 17:52:05 GMT

My grandpa's in the hospital. My mommy called me, and she's coming up here this morning to see him. She called me yelling on the phone and threatening to cut it off when I didn't answer. I went to bed early last night, and she called me about six times between then and when I woke up. Basically, I was getting yelled at for sleeping. If it's not one reason, it's another. I suppose I should be sad, but I'm not really that emotionally attached to my grandpa. I'm not sure how to feel. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2001. He wasn't expected to live this long, but he was getting thinner each time I saw him. He could never finish his food. It was like he didn't even have the capacity to eat. They hadn't been married since the early 80's, but he outlived my grandma. She had a few previous battles with cancer. She was diagnosed again this past February and died in June. Too many people in my family are dying, and I know exactly who will be next.

Thorough Thursday.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 21:54:13 GMT

I had two midterms today in Art History and Biology. The Art History one had a take home essay that I did this morning. Now that's absolute academia. I'm studious, I know. Thank God it's over. I'm looking foward to my weekend. Not really..... It will consist of traffic school and sitting on my ass because there is no fun to be had here. I want a visitor. Fresno is a crotch.

I've returned.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 02:08:47 GMT

Wow, I can't believe I'm actually writing in a livejournal again. It's been years, but I'll try it. This place has changed. I'm still trying to figure it out. I have two midterms tomorrow, and as you can clearly see, I'm making terrific use of my time. I can't help it... Procrastination.